The Break: A Memoir.

I was in a relationship with a sweet guy for nearly seven years. We were just a normal couple, we went through ups and downs. Our love wasn't 'love at the first sight' type, it rather was developed when we get know each other over the time. We started sharing our life when we were too young, at the age of we didnt really care about the others but only US. We had too much cry, too much laugh, too much fun and yet too much good memories together. Time never waits us, everything seemed to happen so fast.

I thought he was the only men that I ever needed. I burst into tears when he proposed me; auuw in front of a great look out of the city. And that day we made plans to be together and combine our families. I can feel it was real, it was the moment that i have been waiting for ages, it was one of the happiest moment in my life.

However, as pepatah kata yang langit tak selalu cerah. Our relationship failed and come to an end. Too bad, just five days before we get enganged. We didn't make it.

Monday, 25th April. I barely had time to think when it was happened that day. I was unable to even think a second on what was happening coz I was too excited to see him after he's back from Sydney. In a sudden, i got into a quick discussion lead by his sister, about his feeling, yes all about his feeling after years of relationship. I listened to all, even when it came to some parts that i dont really clear about, but i just simply listen. xde kudrat to ask out loud "Excuse me, What this is all about?. I deserve an explanation, please." I knew I was angry, hurt and completely confused but i refused to meroyan in front of him. All i remembered, the awkward moment between us. Like we had never known of each other before. He stared at the floor,not do so much talking except when I ask, and he was remained calm until the final decision was made; to break up. Of cos, things had not been so perfect, but I've never thought our relationship would end like this. I still thought our relationship was the best we had ever been in.

Seriously, dealing with breakups is soo difficult. Everyday, everyhour, everysecond was painful and tearful. In early stage, i kept digging on what I had done wrong, what are my mistakes, what are my kekurangan in bulding in our relationship. i felt soo stupid, I was fooled by love. My emotion was instable, ada mase i was too strong and ada mase terjelopok menangis dalam quilt. All things came up in my mind, most of them are negatives. Till at one point I had to delete and block him in fb. Why? coz I really don't want to know what is going on in his life, or a new gf he may have, or is he's getting married or whatever. I kept run, yet hoped he would come back and say sorry. But epic wishes were hardly come true.

Ppl always said that the 'dumpee' would feel more hurt than the 'dumper'. My point of view, being either a dumpee or dumper doesnt really matter. What is most important is our life in future. We didnt know what will happen in future. Maybe we will find someone that love us for the rest of his life, thats matter. Breaking up with a boyfriend of 7 years is tiny compared to getting a divorce with someone u've been together with for a year/years (nauzubillah).

On one side, it is comforting that the battle is over, the fighting towards feeling has succeeded. I recovered so fast, and I don't believe that I could survive the feeling battle. When i have forgiven him, the pain has stopped progressing. It brings a sense of relief to ourselves that 'YOU DID YOUR BEST AND IT DIDN'T WORK AND IS NO ONE'S FAULT, BUT.. OH WELL, NOW MOVE ON." Alhamdulillah, nothing is greater than that feeling. Syukur, Allah has opened more and more door of happiness for me and put back thing into places.

I realize another important thing in relationship is to be open and honest about your feelings, needs and desires. Therefore I would like to write few words to you, Azwandi Aris, if u read this.
"I am sorry it took me few months to write this, but betterlate than never. For the years we have been together, you and i, and Cutie and KC, and Diva, Dolla and Dolly and so on, i was soo happy of having you, my feelings towards you were real. Thanks for being part of my life and my memories, for being such a good bf, you are just good as way you are. Last but not least, I forgive you."

Human made mistakes, whatever it is, life really taught you to be a better person.

HAPPY NEW YEAR all, i wish u early, coz this gonna be the last entry for this year.